CHRISTMAS MUSINGS: ROSES IN DECEMBER
By Fudgee Fajardo-Serafica, ACHS ‘82
My eldest son Enzo passed away last May. Suddenly. Unexpectedly. At just 31 years of age. To say that it broke my heart into a tiny million pieces does not even come close to describing the pain that was inicted on myself and my family.
Since then, it’s been a rollercoaster ride of good days and bad days. You think you have it all together for the most part and then suddenly, a song, a word, a face, even a dish, will trigger a memory and the immensity of your loss hits you with the force of a super typhoon.
With Christmas upon us, it begs the question “How on earth do we celebrate amidst the most joyous season of all?” Frankly, nding happiness again after such a devastating loss is a slow process. And celebrating Christmas, especially here in the Philippines, can feel like a test of will, even a “punishment” of sorts as the forced festivity seems like it was created just to make the dagger twist more painfully in an already grieving heart.
Prayers help much in a tremendous, meaningful way. Knowing that you are not alone in your struggles, that the Lord Himself and the Blessed Mother is constantly with and by your side 24/7 brings much comfort and strength, as well as a measure of peace and hope for better, kinder times to come.
Being surrounded and lovingly supported by a loyal network of family and friends likewise is a godsend. It is a revelation during times of crises that you discover the people who are willing to take the proverbial bullet for you, whose shoulders can bear the brunt of your anger and tears, and the ones whose patience, steadfastness, wise counsel and discretion can be relied upon when it truly mattered the most.
On a more intimate level, I now realized that Enzo would not want us – Tito, Carlos and myself – to cut ourselves o from the rest of the world and wallow endlessly in our grief. He certainly would not want us to feel guilty about celebrating and taking part in the festivities of what is arguably his favorite holiday. To instead uphold our family traditions and possibly make new ones, thereby creating new memories to cherish alongside those we shared joyously with him.
And, more importantly, to pay it forward in his honor to help people who have less in life to at least enjoy a decent meal and some gifts to share in the spirit of the season. In the precious short time that he lived, Enzo was all heart, a generous giver, protector and nurturer in all respects to anyone and everyone, and so we as a family can certainly do no less. To love as he loved would be a wonderful memorial to honor his legacy.
Yes, when it comes down to it, love and joy does not disappear after the passing of a loved one, it transforms. By God’s grace, I came to understand that it is a great gift to miss Enzo because it reminds me of how lucky we were to love him. As J.M. Barrie said, “God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December.” And so, amidst the tears, I look forward to nding and noticing simple joys this Christmas that remind me that life will always hold beauty and promise even after sorrow and heartache. We can be restored. Never the same but perhaps a little bit better. Because Enzo lived AND lives in us. Forever.
